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God’s been on me lately to write on this blog again. I’m always resistant, because it’s always a rough process to put my heart out there, and I also doubt frequently how much good I am really doing. But I promised God that I’d write this blog, and there are still stories left to tell, and so I’m here again today, writing, hoping some good comes from it, though I have doubts.

I suppose I should start by talking some about what actually happened on the weekend that I rededicated my life to Christ. It was a weekend at Prayer Lake, and where to begin? It’s a weekend hanging out with God. People who have done this themselves find this easy to grasp, plenty of outsiders would try to tell me I just talk to myself for 2 days, or keep an imaginary friend. But I know the “sound” of my own thoughts, and I know the “sound” of someone else’s thoughts.

Withholding some of the discussions that were too intimate to discuss here, this is what I wrote in my journal about it, to help me remember:

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Jan 18-20, 2018:

This [trip] was fairly different from the one before. It was more with the Father than the Son. I thanked Him many times for His Son, Jesus. I had been thinking recently that a lot of Jesus’ work was to get me to, and in love with, His Father, whom Jesus loved so deeply and derived his personality from, and was trained by. So I spent a lot of time in intimacy with the Father, too, talking to Him.

When I got there the first night, I kept going around, straightening up my belongings, stopping to think about things, etc., and at one point I said, “I know, God, I know. I’m avoiding You.” Something evil had been active in me lately to keep me from being able to hold still or focus my thoughts to commune with God or receive any healing for anything. It had been up and kicking terribly lately, so much so that several times I’d walked out of church. And while I didn’t have as much trouble entering the cabin [as I did last year], my mind constantly darted around, not holding still long enough to interact or pray for any length of time.

I did not realize how badly my mind had become scrambled by that point – probably from phone and internet use — until I went to sleep that night, and being in a room all by myself, I was waking up in the middle of the night saying, “give me 5 more minutes son, I need more sleep,” and “I’ll help you in a minute, give me some time to get out of bed,” and a million other pointless, meandering dreams masquerading as reality.

Saturday I woke up, and my brain felt like it was starting to unscramble itself and get back to normal. I spent a lot of the day talking to God, about different things, much of which was not particularly important. But I told him how I was having doubts lately, how through comedies and stuff I was watching on YouTube, so often the message was that religion is ridiculous and there is no God. “I worry, sometimes, God — what if they’re right? What if I am just imagining You? And even if I’m not, how am I supposed to be a light in a country where people are so disproportionately against you?”

“Magic talking box telling you about reality again, eh?” He responded.

And that was pretty much the end of that fear. Because He was right – a rehearsed, recorded show does not include near enough information to know the heart of these people, their spirit, their circumstances, their background. I have no way of knowing what or why or how they stopped believing, or even if their words are true or just for comedic effect. As it’s strangely hard to remember sometimes, entertainment is not reality.

As evening came, I crawled up comfortably in a chair, and looked again at the compilation book from Passion of the Christ, where they take stills from the movie and match them to a well put-together account of the Passion, woven together seamlessly from all four Gospel accounts. When I closed it, God drew my attention to Him. There was an open door to the bedroom, where it had grown dark — I hate the dark. The Father said very clearly to me, “come be in the dark with me, and let me wrap my arms around you.” I hesitated for just a minute, then rose and crossed over to the bed in the dark room. Without any resistance or pretensions I came to Him, just a sincere desire to let Him be able to have me as He had made me. “After all,” I thought, “how often does He get to have me all to Himself?” (Sometimes I think of how human beings like things like fishing or sleeping or golf, but avoid these tasks because of their responsibilities to work; and when a day comes that they’re able to skip their work responsibilities, they are overjoyed to be able to do what they really wanted to do. For God, whose greatest drive seems to be intimacy with humanity, how wonderful must it be to have a moment where He is able to put aside all testing, encouraging, arguing, etc., and just be with a person, surrounded by the joint love of belonging to one another?

I crawled into bed, full of the joy of being His… completely unsure what to expect next, but unbelievably happy. Some kind of extra joy was welling up in my heart, too. It was the realization that our interaction, though brief, were things that only people who really love each say, or care about. There was no rehearsal and no falsehood and no fear that I didn’t fully believe what I was saying and doing. By the workings of the Holy Spirit, I had grown over the last fourteen years; grown through those first days of shouting and throwing things at Him; through those later days of making peace with Him; now His love welled up inside of me every time I looked at Him, and I got to experience a small reflection of that wonderful love only He could fathom. And further joy was the realization that “come be with me in the dark, and let me wrap my arms around you,” might not just be for tonight, but also a calling placed on the rest of my life.

I remember the dim gray outline of the sheets as I slid in, wondering what would happen now. Before I knew it, I was asleep. What happened during that sleep, I have no memory of. But when I woke up in the morning — Wow! I was so completely, perfectly joyful. Not laughing, not sleepy, just joy.

I wondered at first if I should even get out of bed, the feeling of joy laying there was so utterly complete. I found myself rolling from one side of the bed to the other, orienting myself in one direction or another, amazed for some reason that at all angles and in all shapes, the joy was still on me.

I got up eventually, reluctantly, and began doing the simple tasks of cleaning up and greeting the day.

At the end of the weekend, He started talking to me about the idea of rededicating my life to Christ. In a voice full of affection, God the Father told me, “I’m not opposed to starting all over again.” It struck me as somewhat romantic – a promise to keep trying, to do whatever was required to keep the marriage of souls alive and fertile.

That night, on the ride home, I decided to rededicate my life to Christ. The idea had begun to take root during my time at the cabin, but came to a fully-formed thought just miles from home. I pulled over, rededicating my life to Christ, with praise, with a commitment all over again to restore His throne in the seat of my Heart.

God bless you, and have a good weekend.

*As I have mentioned before, quotes attributed to God on this site, unless scripturally referenced, are simply my closest understanding to what I believe I felt Him say to me. They are not meant to substitute for the Bible, and may be distorted by my own cracked lens of perception. Thank you.*

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God and The Beatles

I’ve heard it said that “Here comes the Sun” was actually given to the Beatles by God. Where that idea comes from, I don’t know – George Harrison himself said he wrote it in Eric Clapton’s backyard, as he watched a cloud pass across the Sun, forgetting for a moment about the stresses of fame and business.

The idea would be completely laughable to me – the divine origin idea, I mean – if not for the fact that so many people, after having a religious experience, associate it with this song. Long before I knew him, my future husband was somewhere wiping the dust from his Beatles CD as he prayed, a new creature in Christ. And when I became a Christian,  it was on the first mixed MP3 CD that I made. I often imagined that the line “Here comes the Sun” was really “Here comes the SON”, coming for the first time to shine into my life.

One person summed it up quite nicely on the website songmeanings.com:

“I can’t stop listening to this song lately.

I am going through a huge spiritual awakening. After years of addiction, self will and turning my back on God, I have finally let him into my life. And He is working miracles.

This song captures it all for me. After that long, cold, dark spiritual winter – the sun (Son?) is finally peeking through. I feel that ice is slowly melting. It feels like years since it’s been here. The warmth, the hope, the optimism – all returning like Spring after a cold winter. After all the years of worry, anxiety, self-will, resentment, anger, fear – I have turned my life over to God. And – like George Harrison said – I finally feel like “it’s allright”.”

Personally, the song reminds me a lot of Luke 1:78, a passage foretelling the coming of Christ:

“because of the tender mercy of our God,

    by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven”

How much God loved us to send His Son into the world, to forever thaw the cold darkness of Winter from our hearts!

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This is also a good time to mention that there’s a YouTube Playlist I’ve built as I’ve made this blog. It’s my own collection but it’s actually accessible to the public. Just go to YouTube.com and type in 10forJesus.com as your search. Sometimes it will be the first search result, sometimes you will get a note “searching for 10 for Jesus. Search instead for” and you’ll click the words 10forjesus.com.

It has all the songs referenced in this blog, a lot of religious music, some more general love songs, and some songs I was listening to right about the time I accepted Jesus into my life.

If you’re opposed to secular music, you’ll want to stay away from this one because it does contain a lot of secular music. But over the years there’s been a lot of songs the Lord and I have sung back and forth to each other that weren’t exactly “worship” music — especially at the beginning, when I didn’t know as many Christian songs yet. I’d have to drop some of the lyrics, of course, that were too specifically about romantic love between human beings. For example, I have the song “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morisette. I sang that to God when I was less than 24 years old in Christ, stretched out on my couch. While not everything in the song fits – some of it’s a bit crude – lyrics like

“You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience”
And “you’ve already won me over in spite of me”
just seemed to sum up that first day so well for me.

God Bless You, and have a good weekend.

Love,

Morgan Hart

Love Letters to God

Sometimes I write love letters to God. They’re intensely personal, so much so that I often have to stop halfway and go play Candy Crush or something… I don’t know where the exact line of how much emotion I can handle lies, but I’ve definitely hit it a few times. This time, I decided to allow others to read.

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Jesus, my Lord, it makes me so happy to think that someday we’ll read this together in Your Presence in Heaven. I.LOVE.YOU.SO.MUCH.

I cannot believe how accepting and uncondemning You have been to me; how You work all the things in me, good and bad, to the greater good; how You walk with me, and continuously teach me, but only when the time is right to learn it; how You cover my weaker judgement with Your love, and my sins with Your suffering… Jesus, it is crystal clear that You died for me. I cannot imagine the kind of fear and claustrophobia of having instruments of torture pierce my body, violating my space and rejecting my personhood. I see nails, Lord, but You knew them intimately.

Lord Jesus, bless everyone who reads this blog, and bless the people who find it. I don’t deserve any fame, Lord Jesus, but please, allow these words to let people who are hurting find their way to greater intimacy with YOU. Let it bring in the people who need most to hear it, when they need to hear it.

God, there’s a lot I don’t understand about life, and a lot I’m still angry about — even at You… But I think a day is coming when I’ll sit beside You with a warm blanket around us both, and gently touch the nail holes in Your hands, and not give a dang about anything that happened before You.

Amen.

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For those looking for more information on becoming a Christian, I recommend peacewithgod.net.

For those without access to a Bible, I recommend Biblegateway.com, a free site with multiple online translations.